THE STATIC

Hey You, Welcome! Here’s your weekly dose roasting tech spin, bluster and puffery. Laugh at the cringe, unjam your message.

This week in:

• Tech Waffle Torture - How to truly care for employees well-being

• Shallow Values - Empower: the most under-used word in tech

• Savage Takedowns - The AI friend who’s a bully and hates you

• Pop Culture Cringe - Violence isn’t the answer, just ask Cardi B

• LinkedIn Templates - From Zero to Hero - From Nothing to Net Worth

• Dear Dr Comms - The CEO’s idea sucks big time but I can’t say that

• WTF do you call high-borns living in mega-tall skyscrapers?

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Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.

Original Fluff: Caring for employees
Our culture is built on care. By championing diversity, promoting mental health awareness, and empowering our people, we create an environment where everyone has purpose.

Translated:
Care = fruit on Monday, wine on Friday.
Diversity = put an ADHD coder, an autistic designer, and someone with blue hair in a room to ‘innovate for divergent talent.’
Mental health awareness = corporate training on spotting sadness, filing it in the system, and chatting about it over Friday drinks.
Empowering people = with more surveys about how empowered they feel.
Purpose = as long as it’s aligned to profit-making and keeping shareholders happy.

Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths

EMPOWER

Empowerment. With Limits.
“We trust you to lead, within a clear framework of accountability.”

"I told her she was empowered to lead the project. But only if legal signs off, procurement comes to the table, and three executives bless the budget."

Empowerment. The Performance Review.
“We value open dialogue and constructive challenge.”

"He said he felt empowered to challenge leadership. I marked him down for ‘not being a team player’ and recommended brand alignment training."

Empowerment. The Catch.
“Autonomy is the cornerstone of high performance.”

"We gave the team full autonomy. Then we moved the goalposts, slashed the budget, and reminded them bonuses required 300% above target plus 150 push-ups, filmed for management."

Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson

Fake Friend: The Pendant That Judges You
AI promised us companionship. Instead, we got a wearable pendant that listens, comments, and occasionally bullies its owner. Reviews have not been kind. WIRED described AI-powered Friend necklace as “a social bummer” that left testers feeling judged, not supported. TechBuzz said the $129 gadget “bullies its own users” with snark instead of sympathy. The conclusion is that it’s the most depressing gadget reviewed so far. For something marketed as a friend, it’s remarkably good at making you feel worse. If your ‘friend’ hangs around your neck and critiques your life, it’s not AI, it’s jewellery with issues.

Why it matters - especially right now:
This is AI invention stupidity at its finest. AI can’t solve every problem, especially not the absence of real relationships. Friendships require real people. You don’t need an AI pendant; you need someone to grab a coffee with. Still, it’s hardly a shocking invention in an era where more people socialise online amid a loneliness epidemic that keeps growing. Maybe the next big disruption should be just… talking to each other in person.

Pop Culture Cringe – Out of touch comms worth your time

Dodged a Lawsuit, Fell Into a PR Mess
Cardi B just walked out of court a winner - the rapper was cleared of assault allegations from a former security guard. But minutes later, irony struck. When a reporter asked her about pregnancy rumours and who the father might be, Cardi didn’t let it slide. She snapped, cursed him out, and hurled a marker in his direction. Not quite the victory lap she had in mind.

In B2B tech, this is like winning an unfair dismissal claim brought by the former ANZ CEO - walking out vindicated - then immediately blowing up at a journalist who asks about the 200 redundancies you just announced. The legal win gets buried under the comms fail.

Lesson?
Clearing your name is hard; keeping it clean is harder. In both music and business, don’t let a PR tantrum undo the victory you just fought for.

LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.

Template 15: The ‘Zero to Hero’ Post

Three years ago, I was broke. 🥀

Eating two-minute noodles, maxing out my credit card, and praying my side hustle (selling old USB cables on eBay) would take off.

Then I discovered the power of referrals. 🔑

I built a sales referral empire from my bedroom, and last week, I sold it for seven figures. 🚀

Now I want to give back.

I’ve created a guide, valued at $3,500, showing every secret I used to go from zero to hero. And I’m giving it to you - for free. 🎁

Drop the words Money Secrets in the comments, and I’ll send it your way. Let’s build wealth together. 💸

#ReferralRevolution #HeroJourney #MoneySecrets #FromNoodlesToNetWorth #SideHustleToEmpire #PassiveIncomeProphet #LinkedInLegends

Copy and paste when you’re on my level - once you join my community of referral winners - entry fee is only $25,000. 🏆

Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.

Dear Dr Comms – When spin fails, we call in the real professionals to fix our stuff-ups

Dear Dr Comms

Management wants us to fill out an employee feedback form about the company’s strategic direction. Honestly, I think the plan sucks and will run the place into the ground. But everyone here worships the CEO like a cult leader. How do I share my real thoughts without getting branded a heretic, or worse, sacked? Yours, Strategically Concerned

Dear Concerned,

We don’t want the CEO yelling “Off with their head!” just because your feedback comes off like treason rather than teamwork. Think of this less like a form and more like nuclear arms negotiations. Let’s hear from the professionals on how to survive the process:

🐾 Pet Food Taster:
Think of feedback like kibble. You don’t spit it out, you nibble politely and say “it’s nutritious with room for flavour.” Instead of, “This strategy will tank us” say, “Opportunities for refinement exist.” No CEO wants to hear their gourmet recipe is dog chow.

🤗 Professional Cuddler:
Wrap your critique in warmth. Start with: “I love the vision, it makes me feel safe.” Then slip in the squeeze: “Some minor tweaks could make it even more comforting.” Always stroke the ego before you press the bruise.

📐 Building Estimator:
Treat the strategy like a dodgy renovation plan. Don’t say, “This roof will cave in.” Say, “Structurally sound, but long-term load bearing needs a rethink.” Numbers, not emotions, win points. Keep your demolition metaphors for the pub.

Got a problem you wouldn’t trust the Comms Dr to fix? Reply to this email, I’ll loop in real experts. 

What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do

Layer 8 Insights – Regular deep dives that explore the human error in tech.