THE STATIC

Hey You, Welcome! Here’s your weekly dose roasting tech spin, bluster and puffery. Laugh at the cringe, unjam your message.

This week in:

• Tech Waffle Torture - Forget impact - it’s all about winning awards

• Shallow Values - Brilliant people deliver brilliant results - on paper

• Savage Takedowns - Desperate ambition = over the top fraud

• Pop Culture Cringe - A sell out concert doesn’t mean you can dance

• LinkedIn Templates - I get up at 3.30am to ensure work/life balance

• Dear Dr Comms - Translating a colleagues incoherent mumbles

• WTF do cats, Picasso and seagulls have in common?

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Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.

Original Fluff: Awards & Recognition
“With awards illuminating our path like eternal beacons, we humbly accept yet another recognition of our brilliance. Each milestone propels us toward infinity, proving we are not just leaders - we are destiny.”

Translated:
We’ve turned awards into a full-time industry: scripted applications, rented tuxedos, staged applause, and LinkedIn posts employees are contractually obligated to like.

Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths

Relentlessly Brilliant

Brilliant People
“We recruit only the exceptional. They’re so dazzling in interviews we forget to check if they can actually do the job.”

Brilliant Results
“Our quarterly reports sparkle with adjectives. The numbers? Slightly dimmer.”

Brilliant Future
“We’re so dazzling, sunglasses are mandatory at strategy meetings. The brilliance blinds us from the cliff ahead.”

Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson

Invenia: Cooking The Books
In September 2025, Matthew Derrick Hudson, founder and former CEO of embattled Canadian AI firm Invenia Technical Computing, was charged with wire fraud after allegedly falsifying financials to secure venture capital. Prosecutors allege he claimed CAD 218M in cash and CAD 295M in revenue when the company actually held CAD 6M in cash and CAD 26M in revenue. The SEC further contends he forged investor lists, board documents, and even signatures to raise US $120M. 

Spectator Sport
The spectacle is familiar: a founder elevated by AI hype, inflating numbers until they burst under scrutiny. Investors once applauding the show are now the audience for a courtroom drama, waiting to see whether the final act ends in conviction or collapse.

Heed the Lesson
Illusions of growth can be intoxicating, but regulators verify what pitch decks sometimes obscure. Audited numbers and governance matter; without them, reputation, funding, and freedom can vanish in a single enforcement action.

Pop Culture Cringe – Out of touch comms worth your time

From Pop Icon to Robotic Gyrating
Katy Perry’s Lifetimes Tour (April 23 – December 7, 2025) opened to savage reviews - critics called the choreography “middle-school-musical level,” dubbed her dancing “robotic,” and said the sci-fi plot “falls flat.” Yet the numbers tell a different story: over 1.1 million tickets sold and more than USD $80 million grossed - with Japanese shows selling out in one minute.

In tech terms: it’s like the Rabbit R1 - sold out in minutes on hype, then dragged by critics as clunky and half-baked.

LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.

Template 17: The Work/Life Balance Flex Post

People ask how I do it all. 🤹‍♂️

✦ 4.00am gym. 🏋️
✦ 6:00am first meeting. ☕
✦ 8:00am coffee with a unicorn founder. 🦄
✦ 12:00pm closing deals while skateboarding. 🛹
✦ Evening: family time, meditation, deep work. ✨

Balance isn’t about time - it’s about priorities.

And my priority is winning. Every. Single. Day. 💯

#WorkLifeHarmony #GrindAndShine #LinkedInElite #24HrLeader

Copy and paste if you know that ‘balance’ means scheduling success between protein shakes. 💪

Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.

Dear Dr Comms – When spin fails, we call in the real professionals to fix our stuff-ups

Dear Dr Comms,

I work with a colleague who mumbles so badly we can’t understand a word. Problem is, he’s our lead architect – the one we rely on for all decisions. We’re constantly scrambling because no one knows what he actually said. He’s also notoriously defensive, so raising it feels like stepping on a landmine. What do I do? Yours, Lost in Translation

Dear Lost,

Let’s call in some unlikely specialists:

💆 Massage Therapist
Tension makes voices tighter and harder to hear. Approach him gently, work out the knots with calm questions, and remind him that clear words, like relaxed shoulders, help everyone breathe easier.

🌀 Hypnotist
Either hypnotise him into projecting like a stage actor… or hypnotise the team into believing they can decode his mumbles. Both are faster than waiting for him to suddenly enunciate.

≡ Cryptographer
Treat his speech like ciphertext. Build a short decryption protocol, print it on a ‘top secret’ card, and hand it discreetly to the team. But tell recipients to hurry – the cards self-destruct after 60 seconds.

Got a problem you wouldn’t trust the Comms Dr to fix? Reply to this email, I’ll loop in real experts. 

What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do

Layer 8 Insights – Regular deep dives that explore the human error in tech.