THE STATIC

Hey You, Welcome! Here’s your weekly dose roasting tech spin, bluster and puffery. Laugh at the cringe, unjam your message.

This week in:

• Tech Waffle Torture - Resilience redefined

• Shallow Values - Speed: move faster and fix later

• Savage Takedowns - Grand vision & charisma = lies and a scam

• Pop Culture Cringe - Pop diva & vegan, Ariana Grande, inks BBQ love

• LinkedIn Templates - My endless selfies bother you? Boohoo, sweetie

• Dear Dr Comms - Chasing timesheets is like asking a tortoise to hurry

• WTF do you do when your edgy quantum turns into a black hole?

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Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.

Original Fluff: Resilience Redefined
Question from B2B Buyer in their Request For Proposal (RFP): “Provide examples of how your organisation has redefined resilience in the last five years.” Answered as follows:

“We are ‘resilience redefined’! We’re not only able to withstand disruption but we grow stronger through relentless adaptability, renewed capacity, and an unwavering commitment to enduring success.”

Translated:
Withstand disruption = survive mass layoffs
Grow stronger = one person now does three jobs
Relentless adaptability = constant restructures nobody asked for
Renewed capacity = budget cut, same targets
Unwavering commitment = management speeches about ‘shared sacrifice.’
Enduring success = employees too tired to leave

Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths

SPEED

Speed
“We launch products in 10 days, recall them in 2, hire 300 staff in 30, and retrench 180 in a day. At this pace, we’ll be breaking physics and moving faster than light.”

Velocity
“Our mantra is ‘move faster and fix later.’ The backlog of fixes now requires its own project manager, 150 PowerPoint slide deck, and a steering committee.”

Agility
“Executives demanded ‘real-time decisions.’ So we installed a dashboard with blinking red lights. The faster they flash, the faster we pivot.”

Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson

A Tech Founder Accused of $300M Fraud? Never!
Christine Hunsicker, the once-celebrated fashion-tech wunderkind of CaaStle, sold investors a fairy tale. She painted her startup as a booming unicorn valued at $1.4 billion, masking insolvency with falsified statements, fake audits, and forged signatures. The indictment claims she didn’t just spin the narrative, she rewrote the ledger. She allegedly kept soliciting investments even after her devices were seized.

Why it matters
People still double-down on the idea that a charismatic founder + grand vision = success. But fraud isn’t just about stolen funds; it erodes trust in an entire sector. In a world chasing the next big AI pitch or fashion-tech disruptor, what investors should be buying is transparency, not empty promises.

Pop Culture Cringe – Out of touch comms worth your time

From 7 Rings to BBQ Things
Ariana Grande wanted a tattoo tribute to her hit song ‘7 Rings.’ Instead, the Japanese characters she inked on her palm translated to ‘charcoal grill’ (Ariana is a vegan). Cue internet mockery. Grande gamely tweeted through it, joking about her “tambourine grill” and later attempting a fix, which still didn’t quite say what she meant. The homage ended up roasting itself. Source: Buzzfeed.

In B2B tech, this is like unveiling a shiny new AI ‘customer engagement’ tool, only to discover the name translates to ‘angry chatbot’ in Mandarin. You scramble for a patch, but the screenshots live forever.

Lesson?
Details matter. A single comma can undo your message. Think “We’re sorry we care about our clients” vs “We’re sorry; we care about our clients.” Or: “AI without people means nothing” vs “AI: without people, means nothing.” One slip, and your noble values read like a punchline. Proofread before you ink, or ship.

LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.

Template 16: The ‘I’m So Real’ Post

Some people hate that I post every day selfies on LinkedIn. 📸 They say it’s unprofessional and narcissistic.

But here’s the thing: authenticity is uncomfortable. 💡

That’s why I uploaded six different headshots last week, including the one where my hair looked bad and the lighting was brutal.

Because I’d rather be real than polished. And honestly, the criticism just proves one thing: people fear what they don’t have. 😏

If my posts trigger you, that’s on you. If they inspire you, that’s on me. Either way, I’m grateful. 🙏

#AuthenticityWins #TooRealForLinkedIn #CourageOverFilters #SelfieLeadership

Copy and paste if you’ve ever been brave enough to post a photo where you didn’t look perfect… but still looked better than everyone else. 🌟

Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.

Dear Dr Comms – When spin fails, we call in the real professionals to fix our stuff-ups

Dear Dr Comms

I’m losing my mind chasing timesheets. A small group of consultants refuse to fill them in on time. I’ve sent emails, texts, even cornered them in the kitchen. Without timesheets, invoicing clients is delayed, reporting is a mess, and my blood pressure’s peaking. I don’t want to use the stick, but this is ridiculous. How do I get the laggards to comply? Yours, Chronically Chasing

Dear Chasing,

Since the stick won’t work and carrot without Hummus is boring, let’s summon advice from some unlikely professionals:

👻 Ghost Hunter:
Ignore them, and the hauntings will multiply. Shine a light on the worst offenders publicly, a leaderboard of shame. Or offer protection charms (a.k.a. coffee vouchers) for those who complete them. Ghosts hate sunlight, laggards hate exposure.

🦠 Epidemiologist:
Treat timesheet slackers like an outbreak. Don’t let it spread. Quarantine offenders with firm deadlines. Track infection rates weekly. And incentivise herd immunity: when 95% comply, reward the group. Prevention beats endless treatment.

🚌 Bus Driver:
Timetables exist for a reason; without them, no one gets anywhere, and chaos reigns. Timesheets are the same: due Friday, no exceptions. Miss it once, fine. Miss it twice, you’re walking. Consultants, like passengers, respect the driver who keeps to the schedule.

Got a problem you wouldn’t trust the Comms Dr to fix? Reply to this email, I’ll loop in real experts. 

What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do

Layer 8 Insights – Regular deep dives that explore the human error in tech.