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Welcome. This final 2025 issue is a Xmas special filled with the usual sarcasm, plus a generous sprinkle of uncomfortable truths, lovingly gift-wrapped in playful, slightly biting humour.
THE STATIC will be back in mid-January 2026 with a fresh look and some changes to the editorial format.
Until then, wishing you maximum sanity over the silly season and a New Year filled with minimal high expectations. 😬
Thank you for being a subscriber. I appreciate you.
Yours in affectionate ridicule of tech hubris, waffle, and corporate nonsense - Edith
Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.
Season’s Greetings; Please Don’t Leave
Original Fluff:
As we wrap up the year, we want to thank you for your trust and partnership. At TechCo, you’re not just a customer, you’re part of our community. We remain committed to putting you at the centre of everything we do, delivering innovation, reliability, and world-class support to help you thrive. Wishing you a restful and peaceful Christmas, quality time with loved ones, and a prosperous, successful 2026. We look forward to continuing the journey together.
Translated:
Thank you for renewing your contract and not making us explain our pricing.
“You’re at the centre” = you’re at the centre of our revenue forecasts.
“Innovation” = a premium add-on that unlocks the thing you assumed was included.
“World-class support” = please log a ticket and wait 7-10 business days.
“Prosperous 2026” = for you, ideally. For us, definitely.
“Continuing the journey together” = we’re not emotionally attached but our investors absolutely are.
Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths
Caring Corporate Entity - Christmas Edition
Empathy. With Tinsel On.
“Letting Maria go two days before Christmas was awful. So I did it with empathy. I even said, ‘I know this is hard’… before disabling her access mid-sentence.”
I Hear You. I Just Don’t Pay You.
“I listened carefully while he explained why the Christmas bonus matters. Then I thanked him for sharing and announced we’re ‘reinvesting in FY26 priorities.’”
Kindness. Always. (Except Diana.)
“I told everyone to switch off and be present with their families, except for Diana, because she doesn’t have kids’ – to cover 24/7 Christmas support.”
Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson
Top 10 Savage Takedowns of 2025
From laughable tech, cringe tech, stupid tech to hubris, all-out crime and shifty boardroom antics, here are the top 10 Savage Takedowns for this year.
Juicero: The $400 Wi-Fi Juice Press
A $120m-backed machine that got publicly outperformed by… hands. The bag-squeeze humiliation became the whole business model. Verdict: completely useless product.McAI: When the Robot Couldn’t Take Your Order
McDonald’s ended its IBM-powered AI drive-thru test after viral chaos (including the infamous “please stop adding nuggets” energy).Forward CarePods: AI Healthcare That Hit a Wall
The ‘doctor-in-a-box’ kiosks promised scale, delivered malfunctions, locked patients inside the ‘CarePods’, then abruptly shut down.Meta / Reality Labs: The Metaverse Money Pit
Meta’s own earnings show Reality Labs still bleeding billions - proof ‘the future’ can be very expensive when it won’t arrive.Deel: HR Tech Goes Full Spy Thriller
Rippling accused Deel of corporate espionage tactics straight out of a bad streaming drama, now with legal filings and endless popcorn.You’re Toast: The $400 Smart Toaster Saga
Touchscreen, presets, a big promise. Reviews: uneven, underwhelming toast, because Silicon Valley still can’t disrupt ‘hot bread.’Fake Friend: The Pendant That Judges You
The AI ‘Friend’ necklace landed as a wearable microphone with vibes ranging from judgy to actively unpleasant, Wired was not charmed.Powered by Green: Just Another Mirage
A coalition of US state officials accused Big Tech of “environmental accounting gimmicks” to claim renewable-powered operations.Deloitte’s AI Debacle: Impact That Doesn’t Matter
A government report got caught with fabricated citations/quotes and AI-assisted errors, followed by apologies and a partial refund.WiseTech: Culture That Doesn’t Change
Founder Richard White’s return to power (and the governance fallout around it) became a very public case study in ‘founder-centric reputation risk.’
Corporate Contagions – A field guide to the behaviourial disorders infecting the tech industry
Festive Excess Compulsion (FEC)
Symptoms
A tasteful wreath becomes a full sensory installation. Desks disappear under ‘curated’ baubles. Homes sprout six-metre inflatable Santas, animatronic nutcrackers that blink, and a tasteful little LED reindeer… multiplied into a 40-head herd.
Advanced cases include purchasing hand-blown ‘artisan’ Christmas balls shaped like espresso martinis, wombats, tiny CFOs, and a surprisingly aggressive gingerbread shark. Sufferers begin “just driving past” other houses to check the standard, then accidentally join roaming neighbour house parties where everyone sips something bubbly and whispers, “Oh wow, you’ve really gone for it,” like it’s an annual performance review.
Treatment
Immediate admission to a Christmas Spirit Detox Centre (CSDC).
All green, red and gold tones are confiscated at intake.
Patients are placed in a softly lit beige room furnished entirely in ‘tasteful minimalism’ and quiet disappointment.
Meals are aggressively plain: boiled chicken, steamed rice, and water served at room temperature. No cinnamon. No nutmeg. No joy.
Release is granted only after the patient can drive past a house covered in 40,000 LEDs without whispering, “We could do better.”
LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.
Template 28: The ‘Merry Xmas Totally Jolly’ Post
Merry Christmas to all my wonderful connections, and to the people I’ve been trying to connect with since February. 🎄✨
Wishing you a magical day of wholesome family togetherness: laughter, love, matching pyjamas – and the one relative who’s convinced Christmas is forced jollity to stop us noticing the world’s on fire, and this over-eating is keeping us too sluggish to fight Big Tech… which might have been me last year, hence banned from family gatherings.❌
But anyhoo, I’ll be spending Christmas alone, peaceful, and eating my Woolworths frozen Christmas dinner like the self-sufficient adult I am. 😶🌫️
Not desperate to join anyone’s happy, boisterous family gathering…
…but if you happen to have a spare chair and a tolerance for ‘foot in mouth’ disease, I can be ready in 20 minutes. 🪅
Wishing you joy, rest, and just enough social interaction to seem normal. 🎀
If you, too, are thriving miserably with supermarket pudding and emotional instability, hit 😬 and comment “BLESSED.”
#MerryCrisis #FestiveNetworking #WarmWishesColdDinner #ConnectionRequested
Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.
Not Good News – Tech’s weekly highlight reel of hubris, hypocrisy and cringe
Why Xmas Is The Perfect Time for Mass Redundancies
And the award for ‘Most Festive Timing for Crushing Human Spirits' goes to… tech, repeatedly. Let’s celebrate with a few examples:
Amazon – filed a Washington State notice cutting 84 roles (engineers, program managers, etc.) in mid-December 2025. Terminations won’t happen until Jan/Feb, but fair warning, no lavish Xmas spending - just ham from a can and dreams of Clearance Specials.
Covalen (Meta contractor, Ireland) – told staff it may make up to 420 redundancies in the run-up to Christmas 2025. Apparently, “anyone can do what you do” so get ready, your job may be scheduled for deletion in the Santa sack.
Culture Amp – cut 60 jobs in late November 2025, i.e., close enough to Christmas to ruin the vibe without technically ‘ruining Christmas.’ If you’re getting ready to shed ‘assets’, they have great corporate wording to help with that like, “Culture Amp is redistributing resources to more closely align with our key growth opportunities”. Well said.
Spotify – announced 1,500 cuts (17%) on 4 Dec 2023, a seasonal move that helped its “US shares soar about 11% to trade near their two-year high of $200.46 in early trading.” Merry Xmas to Spotify.
Etsy – announced 225 cuts (11%) on 13 Dec 2023, thoughtfully ensuring affected staff could enjoy the holidays with a side of existential dread.
What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do
Token Limit
When you run out of words and switch to “mm”, nods, and wine.
Guardrails
The Christmas Rules: no politics, no AI, no, “well actually.”
Temperature
How chaotic Christmas Day gets: low = polite, high = tears and tantrums.
Layer 8 Insights – Regular deep dives that explore the human error in tech.
This edition: Be afraid, but not too afraid as we dive into the dark comedy of Employee Feedback: Big Brother Might Be Watching You. (6-minute read).
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