^{CHITTER CHATTER}

An AI Mark Zuckerberg Coming Soon. Just as Bland, But Available, 24/7

Meta is reportedly building an AI version of Mark Zuckerberg so employees can interact with him in his absence. It’s being trained on his voice, mannerisms, public statements and strategic thinking, so staff can feel more connected to the boss. I’m not sure I’d want to talk to a fake CEO, but then again, the human Mark Zuckerberg has the warmth of a software license agreement.

The timing is perfect. Reuters reports that Meta is also heading into a major AI-driven restructuring, with layoffs set to begin on May 20 and further cuts possible later in 2026, depending on AI progress. So while some employees may lose access to a salary, others may gain access to a synthetic executive presence. Wonderful. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to converse with the digitised brilliance and evasive wisdom of Mark Zuckerberg, courtesy of his charisma-vacuum turn before the US Senate.

Employee: “Did you know I haven’t had a pay rise in five years?”
AI Zuckerberg: “I do not, sitting here, off the top of my head...”

Employee: “Are more layoffs coming?”
AI Zuckerberg: “Not that I am aware of.”

And for general complaints aired by employees, the AI Mark Zuckerberg will respond with this pearl of wisdom: “I’ll have my team follow up with you so that way we can have this discussion across the different categories where I think this discussion needs to happen.” Satisfactory, polished response. Staff might grow weary of it, but investors love it, of course.

Brain Wearables
“Silicon Valley startup Sabi is developing a brain wearable that decodes a person’s internal speech into words on a computer screen. CEO Rahul Chhabra says its first product, a brain-reading beanie, will be available by the end of the year. The technology, known as brain-computer Interface (BCI), provides a direct communication pathway between the brain and an external device. BCI lets you talk to your computer by thinking about it. It’s currently limited to a small set of words or commands rather than continuous natural speech.”

Brain typing may sound futuristic, but it also raises glaring questions about privacy, security and who gets access to your neural data. Sabit, CEO, Rahul Chhabra says the right things: cloud-transferred data is end-to-end encrypted, and the AI trains on encrypted rather than raw brain data. He also has external neurosecurity experts reviewing the stack.

^SUBTEXT

The Waffle: “We need to recognize that neural data is the most private kind of data that a person could possibly have,” … “Not treating it with care would just be unfair.” — CEO Rahul Chhabra, Sabi

Translated: Of course, I’m calling neural data private. I’d sound deranged if I didn’t. But let’s not kid ourselves: your phone tracks you, apps profile you, platforms watch you, and advertisers stalk your preferences. So once you put on my device, your brain is really just the next logical upgrade. And as if I wouldn’t commercialise your thoughts? It’s called ‘innovation’, baby!

A late-stage tech condition in which the industry becomes incapable of leaving human life alone. It starts with reasonable-sounding ideas, then escalates into death-defying longevity schemes, Mars data centres, video-recording earbuds, driverless everything, robotic limbs, thought-reading skull caps, and toasters that gently ask whether you’ve processed your feelings. Other experimental symptoms of the age include mood-sensing socks, AI fridges that report your cheese habits, self-optimising pillows, and smart mirrors that give performance feedback before 7 am. Soon, nothing is allowed to remain gloriously dumb.

Symptoms: Self-barricading in a dark basement with 15 other coders, living on caffeine and despair while building something nobody asked for, 24/7.

Side effects: Mental, physical and emotional exhaustion to the point of near-death, plus the creeping suspicion that humanity is becoming one giant humming machine.

Cure: Abandon all devices, move into a caravan, park near a forest, walk among trees, and remain there until birds, dirt and silence start to feel more impressive than a product demo.

Tokenmaxxing: Using absurd amounts of AI tokens as both a work tool and a status symbol. It reflects a culture where heavy AI usage signals ambition, relevance and technical seriousness, with leaders encouraging employees to go harder, not slower.

^{THE SHALLOW END}

AI Utopia: Watch out when a segment of powerful tech leaders start talking about AI in these lofty terms: It’s going to cure disease, eliminate crime, stop poverty, extend human life and help us conquer space. Humanity is elevated, and suffering is no more. Better yet, miracles will be experienced at scale. Meanwhile, back on Earth, tech companies are shedding workers en masse and building giant warehouses of compute that guzzle electricity like it’s no one’s business.

When Fandom Becomes Platform Fuel
K-pop Demon Hunters shows how pop culture and tech now feed each other constantly. Reuters reported that Netflix greenlit a sequel after huge viewing numbers across both the film and its related content. In other words, this isn’t just fandom. It’s platform logic at work: track the data, spot the obsession, scale the universe.

Dear Dr Comms
My company used to market itself as an ethical clothing brand. Then we realised investors would throw roses at anything with ‘AI' stapled to it, so we pivoted accordingly, and our share price jumped more than 400%. Wonderful news, except the internet is now full of killjoys calling us hypocrites and suggesting that abandoning our values for a speculative AI sugar rush is somehow ‘off-brand.’ How do we get the masses to adore us again while continuing to chase the money with both hands? Yours, Sustainable in Spirit

Dear Sustainable (commercially speaking, at least)
A delicate reputational challenge. Let’s consult some specialists:

📏 Quantity Surveyor:
“You’ve had a cost blowout in principles. I’d classify ethics as a heritage feature, note that markets no longer require it, and value-engineer the entire conscience out of the project.”

🧬 Biomedical Engineer:
“This is a textbook case of brand organ rejection. You’ve transplanted an AI growth fantasy into an eco-friendly body, and the public is responding as expected: swelling, fever, and violent online vomiting. I recommend a heavy dose of ‘future-facing’ until the symptoms pass.”

🎬 Showrunner:
“You’re overthinking it. In season one, you were the earnest, sustainable darling. In season two, you’ve become a deranged plot twist in loafers, drunk on investor applause and GPU fumes. Don’t fight it. Tell critics they simply lack the imagination to understand your arc.”

There. Problem solved. You’re not hypocrites. You’re pivoting.

Explaining why we exist as tech companies

^{BIN THIS…}

This is the latest prestige label for companies desperate to sound as though they were conceived by machine learning and delivered by a GPU. It suggests AI isn’t just something you use, but something woven so deeply into your operating model, product design, workflows and decision-making that you now exist on a higher evolutionary plane than the rest of us.

Usually, though, it means one of three things: you’ve bolted a chatbot onto your product, your staff are being told to use more AI tools, or leadership has started speaking in a strange new dialect made entirely of tokens, copilots and transformation theatre.

A genuinely AI-native company would have AI meaningfully embedded across its product, internal operations, customer experience, data flows and commercial model. It would be redesigning how work gets done, not just rebadging old software with a shiny new wrapper.

If your big AI strategy is a chatbot, a few staff licences and a leadership team treating token usage like a personality trait, bin it. You’re not AI-native. You’re an AI-wannabe.

Know someone who lives for this kind of nonsense? Forward this email to them and help me spread the dysfunction.

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