^{CHITTER CHATTER}

Meta is Watching. Robots are Learning.

In addition to being accosted by an AI version of their megalomaniac CEO, Mark Zuckerberg (as I reported last week), Meta’s US employees will have to deal with new tracking software installed on their computers “to capture mouse movements, clicks and keystrokes for use in training its artificial intelligence models,” according to the company. Not surprisingly, it’s also reported that “Meta employees are up in arms over this mandatory program.” Angry face😠emojis and comments like “this makes me super uncomfortable” were typical reactions.

On the other hand, being surveilled might be the lesser evil than being one of 23,000 employees put out to pasture as part of “Meta’s effort to streamline operations and offset heavy spending on artificial intelligence.” No one mentions that Meta has already burned through roughly US$84 billion in operating losses on Reality Labs, the AR/VR/metaverse dream factory that was supposed to reinvent human connection but didn’t. Nevertheless, Zuckerberg says things like: “I’m looking forward to advancing personal super-intelligence for people around the world.” Sure you are. Still, investors seem to swallow this cringy hype.

A Shocking Way to Wake Up

Alarm clocks used to make a basic, shrill noise until you begrudgingly rolled out of bed. But apparently, there are humans who can’t or won’t get out of bed via normal alarms. Hence, more radical approaches like the following.

Pavlok Shock Clock straps to your wrist and escalates from vibration to beep to electric zap if you refuse to get up. Pavlok describes the Shock Clock 3 as a device that “trains you to wake up on time” using a vibrate > beep > zap sequence.

Nuj goes for the wallet instead. Users set an alarm, choose a barcode they have to scan, and nominate a penalty. Fail to scan the barcode before time runs out, and Nuj charges you, with penalties going to charity.

Alarmy is the taskmaster version. It makes users complete ‘missions’ such as maths problems, squats and other wake-up tasks before the alarm stops.

Clocky is the runaway toddler of alarm clocks. You can snooze once, then it jumps off the nightstand and rolls away, beeping, forcing you to physically chase it. (My personal favourite, plus the name sounds adorable. It looks pretty cute too).

Sonic Bomb is less of a ‘smart alarm’ and more of a ‘small domestic evacuation event.’ It comes with a 113-decibel alarm, flashing lights and a bed shaker. (That’s pretty cool too, haha).

Some people need a gentle sunrise lamp. Others, apparently, need their nervous system, bank account and bedroom furniture turned into a morning torture fest. Whatever gets you moving into the world.

^SUBTEXT

The Waffle: “As profound as the abundance produced by AI may one day be, an even more meaningful impact on our lives will likely come from everyone having a personal superintelligence that helps you achieve your goals, create what you want to see in the world, experience any adventure, be a better friend to those you care about, and grow to become the person you aspire to be.” — Mark Zuckerberg, Meta CEO.

Translated: I’m saying something deep and meaningful, blah, blah, blah, followed by gobbledegoop about abundance, creativity, becoming your best self, blah, blah, blah, and then some more drippy stuff about friendship, personal growth, blah, blah, blah.

A flesh-eating leadership brain disease in which tech CEOs become incapable of announcing AI without sounding like they’ve just descended from a cloud holding a tablet of commandments. Common in executives who describe bots as the path to human Nirvana while ruthlessly replacing humans with bots.

Symptoms: Saying “unlock human potential” while locking humans out of Slack. Side effects: Word salad tossing, visionary hand gestures, and the belief that mass layoffs are just “making space for the future.” Cure: Spend one week explaining the company’s AI strategy to the people being replaced by it, without using the words “flourish,” “abundance,” “empower,” or “next chapter.”

Context engineering: The art of giving AI systems the right background, instructions, data and tools so they produce useful outputs. Basically, it’s just prompt engineering after it got promoted, bought a nicer jacket and started attending architecture meetings.

^{THE SHALLOW END}

Sacred Sport Invaded by Robots
Sport used to be one of the few places humans could still feel superior to robots. We have arms and legs, fluid movement, go shopping in Active Wear, and proudly sweat a lot. Now even that’s under review. In China, a humanoid robot called Lightning reportedly finished a half-marathon in 50 minutes and 26 seconds, faster than the human world record of 57:20. Other robots in the race were less elegant, with some tripping, crashing into barriers and being taken out on a stretcher, which at least proves they’ve mastered the most human part of running: public humiliation. Meanwhile, Sony AI’s table-tennis robot Ace has reportedly beaten elite human players; Marty Supreme, eat your heart out. Apparently, all of this helps engineers build better robots for real-world environments. Great. Not only are we helping machines improve, but we’re also getting our arses handed to us.

She criticised the leader of this powerful tech company at work, and now she’s in court about it. Can Dr Comms’ unusual experts help?

Dear Dr Comms
My company spent years telling us to speak openly, challenge respectfully and bring our whole selves to work. Unfortunately, I brought the sarcastic part. During a company forum, I made a spicy comment about the CEO, his leadership style and the general pummelling of careers. Now I’ve lost my job, gained a legal matter, and discovered that “open company, no bullsh*t” apparently has a silent asterisk. How do I recover from speaking my truth when my truth came with screenshots? Yours, Formerly Candid.

Dear Formerly Candid
A painful but instructive moment. Let’s consult some specialists:

🎭 Ventriloquist:
“Next time, let the puppet say it. That way, when HR calls, you can look shocked and say, ‘Honestly, I’ve been worried about his attitude too.’”

🧱 Bricklayer:
“You built your position brick by brick and accidentally walled yourself into a tiny, airless room. Next time, add a door to escape to Reddit, where you can criticise whomever without penalty.”

🚌 Bus Driver:
“Speaking up is fine. Driving straight into the CEO at full speed is where people start checking the insurance paperwork. Next time, indicate first, stay in your lane, and don’t yell ‘rich jerk’ out the window unless you’re ready to walk.”

Open Feedback Culture

^{BIN THIS…}

Superlatives
The ‘biggest,’ ‘best,’ ‘fastest’, ‘most powerful,' ' world-leading’ language that turns every product update into the moon landing.

Hyperbole
Extreme exaggeration for effect. In tech: “This will change everything,” “redefine the category,” “revolutionise work,” “transform humanity,” etc.

Grandiosity
Language that makes something sound far more important, noble or historic than it is. Often found near CEOs during keynote stages, and in words like ‘civilisation.’

Catastrophising
Making something sound like an existential threat when it’s really a product issue, a market dip, or a mildly annoying platform change.

Messianic language
Founder-speak that frames technology as salvation. Think: “AI will unlock superhuman potential,” “usher in abundance,” “solve loneliness,” “elevate humanity.”

Apocalyptic language
The dark twin of messianic language. Everything is collapsing: extinction, disruption, the death of work, the end of trust, or “adapt or die.”

If you feel the urge to turn a normal business sentence into a full orchestra hitting a tragic crescendo before the hero expires, bin it.

Know someone who lives for this kind of nonsense? Forward this email to them and help me spread the dysfunction.

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