^{CHITTER CHATTER}

The £20 billion AI Investment That Didn’t Exist

On 4 July 2026, the Guardian published its investigation into Stargate UK, the grand AI infrastructure partnership involving OpenAI, Nvidia and UK company Nscale, which was announced with considerable fanfare during Donald Trump’s UK state visit. The UK government said the AI growth zone was “set to” bring in £30 billion of investment. But according to the Guardian, £20 billion of that wasn't committed investment at all. It appears the figure roughly reflected how much money the site would need to attract to build the infrastructure and to use its planned electricity capacity. A source with knowledge of the process told the Guardian: “They needed a big announcement.” All I can say, “finally, a great example of how to properly write a press release: State what you want to happen, not what has actually happened.”

Amazon Finds a New Way to Track Parcels People

Amazon has found a $2.8 billion labour spend problem, so it’s considering using wearables to log check-ins, labour hours, and task assignments for ‘indirect’ support roles, such as equipment maintenance, safety coordination, and floor management, which have historically been harder to track. The company describes this as a “workforce blind spot” and hastens to assure us it’s not tracking workers’ real-time movements or individual productivity. So relax. You’re not being tracked like a parcel. You’re just wearing technology designed to make sure management knows exactly where the labour went or whether you actually turned up for work. 

Tech Fails

Google is ‘Open’ to Being Punished

Google has finally lost its eight-year fight against a €4.1 billion EU antitrust fine for using Android to squeeze out rivals. Its response? Google said it remains focused on “innovation and openness”. Openness? After being fined billions for forcing phone makers to pre-install its products and restricting competitors. Still, after nearly €11 billion in EU antitrust fines, perhaps ‘openness’ now simply means being open to paying another fine.

Weird Tech

Caveman Mode Activated. AI Now Just Grunts.

The industry spent three years making chatbots warmer, friendlier, more conversational and more human. Then Finance saw the invoice: AI nice. Token cost bad. AI talk less. More here.

^SUBTEXT

The Waffle: "In any event, we adapted our agreements to comply with the initial decision back in 2018, and we remain focused on continued innovation and openness for our users, partners and developers" — Google spokesperson

Translation:
“We changed the paperwork after the EU told us to. We remain focused on crushing competitors, protecting billions in revenue and making sure innovation continues to mean whatever Google is selling. By ‘openness’ we mean secrecy, but Legal said not to write that.”

A state of acute technological confusion in which a company simultaneously believes it must move faster, spend less, invest in AI and stop wasting money on AI. Symptoms: frantic innovation, frozen decision-making and unexplained budget swings. Advanced cases include token rationing, strategy resets and sudden interest in ‘disciplined adoption’. Side effects: exhausted teams, abandoned projects and twelve competing priorities. Cure: pick one problem or use case to run.

Tokenpocalypse: The AI spending spree hangover has arrived. Companies across tech, entertainment, banking and beyond are restricting employee access, steering workers towards cheaper models and desperately trying to stop token bills from blowing out.

^{THE SHALLOW END}

The Original Willy Wonka is Resurrected

Gene Wilder died in 2016, but Netflix has recreated his voice with AI for a new Willy Wonka reality show. And I get it. Gene Wilder is the Wonka in my opinion. His portrayal is brilliant, funny and unsettling. That Willy Wonka scared me, just enough to make me want to be a good kid. The other actors who portrayed Willy Wonka later on didn’t do it for me. No wonder Netflix wanted Gene Wilder. The only problem is he’s been dead for 10 years. Fortunately, tech has now removed ‘deceased’ from the list of reasons talent might be unavailable.

Dear Dr Comms
My company has suddenly started rationing AI tokens. Yesterday, I could use the most powerful models for anything. Today, I’m being told to use the cheaper ones and “be thoughtful about consumption”. This is devastating as I’m halfway through building a time machine so I can travel back to 1867, invent barbed wire and become obscenely rich before anyone realises I’m from the future. Without more tokens, I may be forced to remain an AI engineer in 2026. How do I get my allocation back? Yours, Token-starved time traveller

Dear Token-Starved
Your dreams of a 19th-century fencing monopoly must not die. Let’s ask the experts:

🏦 Successful Bank Robber
“Stop asking for tokens. Find out who controls them, when they’re out of the office and where the emergency allocation is stored. Create three fake project codes, move the tokens slowly and never take enough at once to trigger an alert. Remember stealth is how you steal without getting caught.”

🚗 Slick Used Car Salesman
“Never say you need more tokens. Say the company is currently missing a once-in-a-generation opportunity to unlock previously inaccessible value. Ask your boss one question: ‘Can we really afford to let our competitors get to 1867 first?’ Then go silent. FOMO will do the rest.”

❤️ Charity CEO
“Beg. Properly. Explain that your time machine could save lives, end suffering and give humanity a second chance to correct its worst mistakes. Cry if necessary. Under no circumstances mention the barbed wire. Once the tokens are approved, send everyone a thank-you video featuring several grateful children and a cute puppy.”

^{BIN THIS…}

‘Signal-based selling’
Noticing someone might buy something.

‘Full-funnel accountability’
Everyone gets blamed now.

‘Community-led growth’
Make customers talk to each other and hope revenue happens.

‘Answer engine optimisation’
Begging ChatGPT to mention you.

‘Business impact platform’
Software. But wearing a very expensive suit.

Know someone who lives for this kind of nonsense? Forward this email to them and help me spread the dysfunction.

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