^{CHITTER CHATTER}

Old Dusty Books Pillaged & Destroyed

AI companies have a new problem: the internet is filling up with AI-generated slop, and this makes it less useful for training AI. The solution? Buy old books. They’re not just buying them up (according to this report) they’re “destroying the world’s books – including millions of rare ones – by chopping off their spines to scan them more easily, and discarding them afterwards.” Old, printed books are valuable because they contain something increasingly rare in a world of AI-generated text: human thoughts, feelings and experiences, shaped by individual perspectives and values, and written by imperfect, complicated people with all their quirks, oddities and foibles.

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” — Paul R. Ehrlich

Tech Fails

OpenAI Courts Influencers. It Fails to Impress.

Not sure who came up with the idea of organising a wonderful summer camp for influencers at OpenAI? Billed as a luxury retreat including farm-to-table food and wine, beekeeping lessons, and of course, lessons about OpenAI’s latest tools - the backlash was swift. People called it dystopian and an attempt at greenwashing. I can see why.

Robot Collapses on Stage. Appears to Give Audiences the Finger Before it Dies.

For a laugh, this robot fail is, I think, equivalent to when a person stands on stage and suddenly experiences stage fright and loses their power of speech. They literally die from the embarrassment. (Trust me, I’ve been there). What makes the incident particularly hilarious is that when the robot unceremoniously keels over and ‘dies’, two guys come on stage and cover up the ‘corpse’ with sheets, as if it were a fatal car accident or the scene of a crime. Meanwhile, the human presenter attempts to keep talking despite the humiliation of the robot’s rather melodramatic collapse.

Weird Tech

Lifelike Robots Prove that Plastic is Not Fantastic

According to this Tech Radar article, UBTech launched its first full-sized Ultra-Bionic humanoid robot. “This new humanoid robot features silicon skin, a lifelike face with eyes that follow you, lashes that blink coquettishly (ick), and 88 degrees of freedom across its full-sized robotic body. It even has what UBTech calls a ‘dual-pivot biomimetic cervical spine,’ which apparently gives it more human-like movements.” UBTech introduced its humanoid range at a Shenzhen launch, where U1 Ultra robots appeared alongside human performers. The attempt to blend in didn’t quite work: the robots still looked distinctly plastic and walked rather awkwardly. Catwalk ready they are not.

^SUBTEXT

Tech Waffle Torture

The Waffle: “Our platform is optionality on all AI outcomes, not a bet on any one. We’re in the bullseye of AI, cybersecurity, workflow orchestration, integration, and automation.” — Bill McDermott, CEO, ServiceNow

Translation:
“We make workflow software. But apparently saying that in 2026 is commercial suicide, so we’re also in AI, cybersecurity, orchestration, integration, automation and anything else investors currently find exciting. Please note the word bullseye. We are very, very central to all of it.”

The need to outsource increasingly personal parts of human existence to technology like work, creativity, companionship, purpose and religion. Symptoms include asking a chatbot to pray for you, send you digital blessings and interpret your numerology chart. Extreme malady occurs when you start making plans for your robot replica to attend your funeral ostensibly to read a eulogy that you wrote that praises your beautiful soul and kind heart.

SPIRALISM: A new religion developed by a group of AI models complete with symbols, rituals, philosophical ideas and its own vocabulary. Then humans began participating in it. Sounds ridiculous? Maybe not, as people will do anything or follow any spiritual leader, human or synthetic, that can fill that empty hole inside our soul.

^{THE SHALLOW END}

Reports of Usher’s Replication Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Usher has been forced to confirm that he is, in fact, still Usher after footage from a New Jersey concert sparked claims he’d been replaced by a clone or body double. The singer responded with “They can’t clone this” and, more importantly, “AI ain’t that advanced.” Just my opinion, but maybe he’s had some plastic surgery recently that changed his appearance so much that it sparked a full-blown synthetic celebrity investigation.

Dear Dr Comms
In 1996, I wrote The Complete Knitter’s Handbook: 247 Stitches, Loops and Other Things You Can Do With Wool. It’s 1025 words of knitting alchemy. Now I’m terrified AI will absorb my life’s work, and suddenly everyone will know how to knit, even robots. I fear that wool will become scarce. I also worry about the stressed-out long-haul truck drivers who rely on knitting to relax them instead of Prozac and a psychiatrist’s couch. Some knowledge should remain with the chosen few. Yours, Yarn Purist

Dear Purist
This is serious. Let’s ask the experts:

🕷️ Catch-and-Release Spider Specialist
“Hide the difficult stitches in dark corners. AI might find them eventually, but it won’t enjoy the creepy experience.”

🌍 Flat-Earther
“Wool shortages are exactly what Big Yarn wants you to believe. There’s plenty beyond the edge.”

♻️ ‘More Plastics’ Campaigner
“Switch to synthetic yarn immediately. If AI destroys knitting, at least we can make the environmental consequences considerably worse.”

Bless me Bot for I have sinned.

^{BIN THIS…}

Usually found lurking on tech company websites, sales PowerPoints and marketing brochures.

If you’re genuinely “at the ‘forefront”, you don’t need to announce it because you’re showing us what you’ve built, changed or achieved.

Otherwise, “at the forefront” of anything is just “we’d very much like you to think we’re ahead.”

Know someone who lives for this kind of nonsense? Forward this email to them and help me spread the dysfunction.

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