^{CHITTER CHATTER}

How Dare You Ask for Extra Time Off, You Dunce

This month, another gem from the usual abrasive Meta CTO Andrew Bosworth who shut down an employee who dared ask “if AI productivity gains could be channeled into more vacation time …” as in allowing employees to enjoy a few extra days off, which used to be Meta Days (a since-cancelled holiday program). Instead, Mr Nails-on-a-Chalkboard responded with "I hope that what we do with our extra time is do even more and cooler stuff for the users who use our products every day.” (Sure, Meta, let’s produce ever more addictive products that are detrimental to young people’s mental health) … Bosworth also pepper-sprayed the offending question asker with, “Stop asking about Meta Days. It's very dumb." I think Bosworth needs a bit of ‘Communication School training’ as he’s already graduated from ‘Clown School’ with top scores.

How to Sabotage RTO

I love the English language and people’s creativity in coming up with new phrases to describe things, so I was amused when I stumbled upon a couple of terms describing how employees are bucking against a forced return to the office five days a week. You may relate or not, depending on your thoughts about RTO full-time. There’s Coffee Badging: swiping into the office, staying long enough to grab a coffee, then leaving to work elsewhere. And, Ghost Booking: reserving desks or meeting rooms to make it look as though you’re in the office when you're not.

Smoke & Mirror Accounting Terminology

Big Tech’s latest earnings look extraordinary. The Financial Times reports that Alphabet, Amazon, Nvidia and Microsoft collectively recorded more than US$160 billion in gains from stakes in other AI companies in the most recent quarter. The problem is the language. ‘Valuation gains’ sounds like money has been made. Often, it means an investment is simply estimated to be worth more. ‘Fair value’ sounds objective. For private AI companies, a new funding round can establish the price used to revalue existing stakes. ‘Other income’ sounds incidental. Yet it can add tens of billions to earnings. So ‘profit’ can mean two very different things: selling something for more than it cost, or an asset you still own being valued more highly. Microsoft handled this more clearly, reporting adjusted figures excluding the impact of its OpenAI investment. Accounting terminology doesn’t create tech hype. But it gives it respectable vocabulary.

Tech Fails

eBay: An Unhinged Response to Criticism

Something I’ve been following for a few years … a story that reads like a movie script and proves that real life is more drama-filled than any fictional tale could imagine: After becoming enraged by critical coverage from EcommerceBytes publishers David and Ina Steiner, eBay employees launched an extraordinary harassment campaign against the couple. They sent them live cockroaches, fly larvae, a bloody pig mask, a funeral wreath and a book about surviving the death of a spouse. Employees also harassed them online, surveilled their home and attempted to place a GPS tracker on their car. Seven former employees pleaded guilty, with some receiving prison sentences, including eBay’s former security chief. Former CEO Devin Wenig, who was not criminally charged (but should have been), is personally contributing US$2 million to the settlement, while other former executives are also paying. The final price for one of tech’s most craziest responses to negative feedback: a US$55.7 million dollar payout to the harassed couple.

Weird Tech

Here Comes a Roller-Skating Duck Robot

For some light-hearted relief, Hugging Face’s Pollen Robotics has unveiled Microduck, a 10-inch, one-eyed AI robot that moves around on roller skates. For US$399, it can pick up small objects, kick a ball, follow a laser pointer and make its own distinctive creature-like noises. It’s also open source, so owners can teach it new tricks. The company sees it as both a companion and robotics platform. After decades of imagining sophisticated humanoid assistants doing our housework, the robot revolution is also about lovability and connection - having a robot as a pet like Loona and EMO. Microduck is only a little weird and is mostly cute: Quack, Quack!

^SUBTEXT

Tech Waffle Torture

The Waffle: “Use everything technology offers to build a better business.” Accenture Website

Translation:
“Use technology. It may help.”

A corporate condition caused by prolonged exposure to strategies, frameworks and consultants insisting that every change is a ‘reinvention’. Symptoms include eye-rolling, buzzword fatigue and an uncontrollable urge to ask, “Can we just call it an update?”

Meat Proxy: Your role in the AI workflow is basically reduced to asking the bot a question and forwarding its answer to everyone else.

^{THE SHALLOW END}

Dr. Dre: AI Isn’t the Problem

Dr. Dre has pushed back against musicians who see AI as a threat, comparing today’s fear to the backlash against drum machines and synthesisers. He calls AI “a new tool for creativity”. And he has a point. AI didn’t invent stealing other people’s music. Humans were doing that long before algorithms arrived. It didn’t invent lying either, although passing off AI-generated music as your own gives people a new way to do it. And cheating? That’s been around forever, but now people are using AI to imitate an artist’s voice, style or creative work. For artists like Dre, AI is something to experiment with and add to the creative process. For lying, cheating, fame-hungry losers, it’s yet another way to copy, conceal or profit from somebody else’s work.

Dear Dr Comms

I’m a software developer and increasingly feel like a lump of meat with a laptop. Most days I’m reviewing AI-generated code, fixing AI-generated bugs, sitting through AI transformation meetings and being told to use more AI so I can work faster and therefore do more work. I’d take some time off, but apparently we’re urgently developing new features to keep customers scrolling longer. I no longer know what I make, only that it must increase engagement. How do I rediscover meaning? Yours, Human Middleware

Dear Human Middleware
Meaning is difficult to measure, so let’s ask people with more useful jobs:

☕ The Barista at Your Local Café
“I make coffee. People drink it. Sometimes they say thank you. Have you considered picking fruit? You’ll be outside in nature and at least not look like a starved vampire.”

🧹 The Evening Office Cleaner
“I arrive after everyone leaves and clean the meeting rooms where you spend 10 to 14 hours hunched over a keyboard. By 10 pm, I’ve visibly achieved something plus reached my daily 10,000-step goal. You should try it.”

🎬 Your Hollywood Screenwriter Sister
“Come to LA. We’re also terrified AI will replace us, but at least we discuss it over cocktails by a pool.

Kids, study hard and get your 4-year Bachelor of Engineering (Software Engineering) degree so you can copy and paste.

^{BIN THIS…}

“Reinvent core industry value chains and drive end‑to‑end, cross‑functional reinvention to deliver growth and long‑term value.”

I think what Accenture means is, “change a lot of things across the business and ideally make more money at the end of it.”

Know someone who lives for this kind of nonsense? Forward this email to them and help me spread the dysfunction.

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