THE STATIC

Roasting tech spin, bluster and puffery. Laugh at the cringe, unjam your message.

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Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.

Original Fluff
At Company A, we re-engineer transformative outcomes as a trusted partner - empowering clients through end-to-end innovation journeys. With a future-focused mindset and customer-obsessed culture, we integrate leading-edge tech and deep expertise to deliver agile, human-centric change. Our purpose? Accelerate what’s next – together.

Translated:
We’re a tech company. We fix systems, use buzzwords, and bill you for ‘partnership.’

‘End-to-end’ means we’re vague.

‘Human-centric’ means bots manage our Level 1 Help Desk but say the right reassuring phrases like, “We appreciate your patience.”

‘Accelerate what’s next’ means nothing but sounds exciting enough to distract you from asking real questions.

Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths

Work Commitment
"He came in early. Powered through back-to-back meetings, was always the last to leave and contributed zero value."

Accountability Culture
"Love the Accountability posters by the lifts! Yesterday a client project blew up. We spent the entire Stand-Up figuring out which client person to blame - obviously not us."

Highly Engaged
"She filled out the staff satisfaction survey during the All-Hands. Then left midway to take a recruiter call."

Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson

Uber: Move Fast, Break Culture
Travis Kalanick turned Uber into a global juggernaut, then nuked his own reputation. Lawsuits, leaked video of him abusing a driver, and that notorious “work hard, play hard” email green-lighting wild behaviour on a company retreat made Uber a case study in toxic startup culture. The board eventually called him a rideshare… straight to career rehab.

Why it still matters:
AI founders, take note: speed and brilliance won’t save you if your culture rots from the inside. Today’s hot AI wunderkind might be tomorrow’s cautionary tale if you ignore how you treat people. Tech moves fast. Consequences move faster.

Pop Culture Cringe – Out of touch comms worth your time

Meghan Markle’s Authenticity Echo Chamber
In her 90-minute feature on Aspire with Emma Grede, Meghan Markle served up a masterclass in buzzword overkill. Touting her new lifestyle brand, As Ever, she recounted her entrepreneurial journey, starting from selling scrunchies as a child to launching raspberry jam, wrapped in a lexicon of ‘authenticity,’ ‘growth,’ and ‘power.’ Listeners noted the excessive repetition of ‘authentic,’ reportedly used over 25 times, plus lots of dramatic pauses and self-important phrasing that some found insufferable.

In B2B tech this mirrors a scenario where a CEO delivers a keynote filled with grandiose terms like "synergy" and "innovation," yet fails to present any tangible product updates or solutions. The audience is left wading through a sea of empty platitudes, searching for substance.

Lesson? Authenticity isn't about how often you say the word; it's about delivering genuine, meaningful content. Over-polished narratives and buzzword-laden monologues can alienate your audience, making them question your sincerity.

LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.

Template 3: The ‘AI Upskilling Investment’ Post 

Proud to share that I’ve officially completed the Executive Certificate in AI-Driven Strategy from the VaynGlorius Institute of Technology & Leadership.

It’s been a challenging, eye-opening journey filled with learning, late nights, and a few existential questions about the future of work. Grateful for the support of my team, mentors, and caffeine. Here’s to lifelong learning, curiosity, and embracing what’s next.

#AILeadership #VaynGloriusInstitute #LifelongLearning #GratitudePost

Copy, paste, and watch your engagement graph spike.

Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.

Dear Dr Comms – When spin fails, we call in the real professionals to fix our stuff-ups

Dear Dr Comms

The six-month ERP implementation we proudly announced has now dragged into month 18. The client’s furious, change fatigue has melted into active hostility, and our weekly steering calls feel like hostage negotiations. We’ve cycled through five project leads and one very expensive ‘reset workshop’. Now the client’s lawyers are circling, and our CEO is asking if we can “reframe this as strategic complexity”. - Terrified of the Consequences.

Dear Terrified,

I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes but here's how other professionals would approach your ERP gone-off-the-rails situation:

🪖 Military Commander (active warzone):
“Acknowledge the damage directly and with discipline. Stop blaming ‘unforeseen integration challenges.’ Own your side of the mess, triage what’s salvageable, and show the client your battle map forward, no spin, just clear strategy.”

🚜 Heavy Equipment Operator:
“Don’t be afraid to bulldoze what isn’t working. The workaround ‘you need to just live with’ will eventually collapse under operational weight.”

🧘‍♂️ Self-Help Guru and Best-Selling Author:
“Growth begins where denial ends. Look your client in the eye (virtually is fine), breathe through the backlash, and say: ‘This isn’t what we promised. But we’re still here, sleeves rolled up.”

Got a problem you wouldn’t trust the Comms Dr to fix? Reply to this email, I’ll loop in real experts. 

What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do

Layer 8 Insights – Fortnightly deep dives that explore the human error in tech.