THE STATIC

Hey You, Welcome! Here’s your weekly dose roasting tech spin, bluster and puffery. Laugh at the cringe, unjam your message.

This week in:

• Tech Waffle Torture - Productivity redefined: Work harder, much harder

• Shallow Values - Respect: it’s about applauding the boss’s wisdom

• Savage Takedowns - Flip: Valued at $1B but flops; now worth zero

• Pop Culture Cringe - Taylor Swift turns romance into marketing gold

• LinkedIn Templates - Flying high on jet fumes and cloud daydreams

• Dear Dr Comms - Kitchen carnage sorted by the experts

• WTF does ‘deadlock’ mean? All I can say is, '“keep one eye open”

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Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.

Original Fluff: Productivity Reinvented for 2025
We’re maximising productivity and flexibility by inspiring a new generation to embrace the challenge of solving the world’s biggest problems with intensity, dedication, and a commitment beyond the ordinary - rewarded with growth and the chance to shape the future.

Translated:
Productivity = 80+ hour weeks dressed up as destiny.
Flexibility = midnight Zooms from your share house.
Solving the world’s biggest problems = building another chat widget.
Intensity and dedication = weekends are cancelled.
Growth = stock options you’ll never cash.
Shaping the future = we own your present.

Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths

RESPECT

Mutual Respect
“As the boss, I let everyone share their views, then restate my own. They respect me more for listening. I respect them more for agreeing.”

Respect in Action
“We created a code of conduct. Then ignored it when the top salesperson broke every rule but still made quota.”

Respectful Debate
“We had a robust discussion - meaning I spoke for 40 minutes while the team nodded politely. Consensus achieved.”

Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson

Flip: The Billion Dollar Vanishing Act
Flip, a TikTok-style shopping-and-review app backed with $144 million funding and valued at over $1 billion in 2024, shut down quietly just months later. Despite 16 million users, $375 million in brand sales, and $13 million returned to creators, it couldn’t escape the gravitational pull of TikTok and Instagram’s dominance. A cautionary tale: hype, user numbers, and unicorn valuations don’t insulate you from platform-sized competition.

Why it matters:
When your “innovative social-commerce” model can’t survive the shadow of an incumbent juggernaut, the only thing disrupted is investor confidence.

Pop Culture Cringe – Out of touch comms worth your time

Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce: Love Story or Marketing Playbook?
Taylor Swift’s recent engagement to NFL star Travis Kelce smashed social media records, over 34 million likes and a million reposts, crowned as a blockbuster cultural moment. Swift orchestrated every image: the rose-draped garden, the perfect Ralph Lauren wardrobe, and even a half-million-dollar Cartier-inspired ring. But this isn’t just romance, it’s a branding masterstroke.

In B2B tech, this is the equivalent of the iPhone launch on steroids. But no tech marketing team has ever come close to these heights: Swift turned a personal milestone into a global media takeover and, in my view, a pop culture cringe overload.

Lesson?
Tech companies should study the Swift playbook. Infiltrating culture takes coin, dogged persistence, and a fan base as loyal as the Swifties, but the bigger truth is clear: brand devotion isn’t claimed, it’s engineered - just ask Taylor Swift’s dad.

LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.

Template 13: The ‘Mile-High Reflection’ Post

There’s something about business travel that feels… transformative. ✈️

At 36,000 feet, staring out at endless clouds, I realised: the sky isn’t the limit, it’s a metaphor for opportunity. ☁️

• Some see turbulence 🌪️. I see resilience 🌱.

• Some see clouds ☁️. I see clarity 🔍.

• Some see a cramped seat 💺. I see perspective 🌄.

Up here, away from the noise, every strategy feels sharper… until the Wi-Fi fails and I remember I paid $7.50 for stale coffee. 💸

Travel isn’t just about A to B. It’s about seeing beyond, at least until the cabin crew snaps the window shade shut.

#WheelsUpWisdom #BusinessTravelZen #TheShapeOfClouds

Copy and paste with your next wing-tip photo. Bonus points if you tag the airline CEO and pitch for “thought leadership at altitude.”

Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.

Dear Dr Comms – When spin fails, we call in the real professionals to fix our stuff-ups

Dear Dr Comms

The office kitchen is a warzone. Dirty plates pile up, coffee rings tattoo the counter, and the dishwasher is apparently invisible to half the staff. Notes don’t work, threats don’t work, and somehow it’s always me who ends up scrubbing the carnage. How do I make people clean up after themselves? Yours, Drowning in Dishwater

Dear Drowning,

The office kitchen is where civilisation collapses. But let’s hear from the experts:

👩‍🏫 Kindergarten Teacher:
“Treat your colleagues like toddlers. Colour-coded cups, star charts, and snack-time songs about wiping the table. Gold stickers for participation. Detention for leaving tuna tins open.”

🎨 Art Curator:
“Reframe the chaos. Coffee stains become ‘abstract expressionism,’ dirty dishes a ‘found object installation.’ Soon, people will Instagram the sink instead of complaining that you’re not doing your job.”

🤸 Acrobat:
“Flip it into performance art. Balance plates on your forehead while cartwheeling to the dishwasher. Maybe they’ll be so awed, they’ll stop treating the sink as a landfill.”

Got a problem you wouldn’t trust the Comms Dr to fix? Reply to this email, I’ll loop in real experts. 

What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do

Layer 8 Insights – Regular deep dives that explore the human error in tech.