THE STATIC

Roasting tech spin, bluster and puffery. Laugh at the cringe, unjam your message.

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Tech Waffle Torture Explained - We tell you what corporate speak really means. You’re welcome.

Original Fluff - as seen on a tech company’s Career page offering a grad program

Launch Your Future with ABC's Graduate Program
Step into a world of innovation, collaboration, and impact.
At ABC, you'll work with industry leaders, solve real-world problems, and shape the future of technology. Our graduate program empowers you to learn, grow, and thrive in a supportive, high-performance culture.
Josh the Grad’s Testimonial:
"I never imagined I’d be contributing to projects this meaningful, this early in my career. The mentorship and exposure at ABC are unmatched." Josh, Graduate Engineer

Translated:
What The Graduate Program is Really Like
“Launch your future” = you’ll be deployed onto a toxic client project within 48 hours.
“Innovation” = rebuilding someone’s complicated spreadsheet.
“Collaboration” = Setting up Teams’ calls, making coffees and fixing ugly presentations.
“Real-world problems” = resetting a Wi-Fi printer for the Head of Digital Strategy.
“Supportive culture” = someone gave you a thumbs-up for your mental health update.
Josh the Grad’s Real Thoughts
I’ve spent 4 years getting a Comp Sci + AI degree to become a full-time barista with calendar access. Thinking of switching to working with bees. They’ve got structure, community, and better leadership.

Meaningfully Shallow Values – You get them as short and sweet ugly truths

TRUSTED EXPERTISE

Influencing Without Evidence
"I dropped this gem in a sentence, ‘the data suggests’. No one noticed the data was just my gut. That’s the respect you get when you’re a Subject Matter Expert (SME) and Thought Leader.”

Obviously. You Idiot.
“I said, ‘Obviously, the data flows through the middleware layer,’ and they nodded like it made sense. Mission accomplished.”

Simply Put, No One Knows What I Said
“I said, ‘Simply put, the AI inference layer optimises real-time decisions across cloud-native edge nodes via federated orchestration’, and everyone pretended that cleared it up.”

The Shallow Value of ‘Trusted Expertise’ can be further wielded via more persuasive phraseology. See extended list below. 👎

Savage Takedowns – Spectator sport or heed the lesson

McNugget Meltdown: When the Robot Lost The Plot
After three years of testing AI voice assistants in US drive-thrus, McDonalds pulled the plug in mid-2024. The system built with IBM, was meant to speed up orders. Instead it added chaos. Viral clips showed customers begging the AI to stop adding McNuggets. One unlucky duo hit 260 before giving up. The project quietly shut down after 100-instore trials and a growing TikTok blooper reel. Source.

Why it still matters:
Testing a new innovation publicly risks derision if it fails spectacularly, especially if you let the media get to the story before you do. If McDonald’s had owned the narrative upfront, acknowledged the glitchfest, and framed it as part of the learning cycle, the AI meltdown could have been a moment of progress, not PR pain. Better yet, they could have turned the chaos into a co-creation moment: invite McNugget coders to help fix the tech, document the journey and win back the crowd on socials. How cool would that have been.

Pop Culture Cringe – Out of touch comms worth your time

A Legend In His Own Mind
In the lead-up to the 2025 NFL Draft, Shedeur Sanders, rising American football prospect and son of Hall of Famer-turned-media-celebrity Deion Sanders, decided to announce his arrival in style. On draft day, he staged a spectacle. He wore a custom $100K diamond-encrusted chain that read Legendary and set up a media room built for the occasion. Cushions, disco balls, LED signs, all emblazoned with the same word: LEGENDARY And then… he wasn’t picked until Round 5 of the drafts. A psychologist hilariously unpacks the delusion behind this draft-day diva. Watch here.

In B2B tech, this is akin to blowing your entire marketing budget on a flashy customer conference with the theme, ‘Innovation On Fire’ but instead, attendees get a barely-there product update complete with giant-sized presentations, neon lights, smoke machines, and empty promises.

Lesson? Branding without substance doesn’t build buzz; it crashes and burns your credibility. Superlatives can’t prop up mediocrity when the hype doesn’t match reality.

LinkedIn Popularity Templates – Syrupy, self-congratulatory. Surprisingly effective.

Template 4: Over The Moon and Deeply Grateful

I’m beyond thrilled (and honestly still in shock!) to share that we’ve been recognised at the 2025 Regional Partner’s Choice Vendor Excellence Ecosystem Awards for Most Promising Mid-Market Digital Enablement Facilitator Partner (Sydney South Zone).

A huge honour, especially given the fierce competition from six other companies, two of whom definitely had better brochures.

This win goes out to the team: your genius, endurance, and alarming wine tolerance got us here. Every last-minute deck edit and silent scream into the void counted.

I’m grateful. Humbled. Slightly dehydrated from happy tears and fluorescent lighting.

Thank you to the judging panel, whoever you are. We promise to live up to this deeply specific title. Or at least try.

#VendorChoiceExcellence #WineAClockTime #MidMarketMagic #AwardWinningVibes

Copy, paste, and let the humblebrag sparkle.

Got some naval gazing or philosophical musing you’d like to turn into a syrupy LinkedIn post? Reply to this email with your request and I’ll do my best.

Dear Dr Comms – When spin fails, we call in the real professionals to fix our stuff-ups

Dear Dr Comms

Last Friday, two senior consultants working on a high-stakes bid got into a screaming match over resourcing. It escalated from heated discourse to actual aggression. We’re talking full-volume f-bombs and a literal punch-up in one of those all-glass ‘collaboration rooms.’ The office went silent. Half the team watched in horror. The other half pretended to refill their water bottles. No one stepped in. One guy filmed it '“for HR" but hasn’t handed it over. Now leadership wants a ‘Communication reset’ and a way to stop the hallway jokes about ‘Fight Club Fridays.’ Yours, Bruised and Bidding

Dear Bruised,

I suspect you’re one of the aggressors you mention. I don’t have the expertise to deal with bid room thuggery. Only recourse is to bring in the real professionals.

🧸 Child Psychologist (early intervention, sticker chart enthusiast)
“Start by naming the feelings: frustrated, unseen, terrified of slipping into middle management. Then set boundaries: no hitting, biting, yelling, and no stealing crayons (or credit). Create a safe space to express emotions, ideally not through glass. And yes, a timeout corner may be required.”

❤️ Heart Surgeon (calm hands, God complex, zero tolerance for drama)
“If tempers flared, something’s been clogged for a while. You don’t swing fists over deadlines unless pressure’s been building. Time to open up the organisational arteries: better planning, better communication, and leadership that doesn’t ignore the symptoms until the heart attack happens mid-proposal.”

🧱 Bricklayer (tough hands, tougher mornings, built your cousin’s pergola)
“If people are throwing hands, your foundation’s cracked. You don’t fix this with a motivational poster. You reinforce. Proper process. Solid boundaries. And maybe next time, build the meeting room with fewer windows. Privacy matters, even during workplace UFC.”

Got a problem you wouldn’t trust the Comms Dr to fix? Reply to this email, I’ll loop in real experts. 

What The Fluff (WTF)?! – Decoding tech, something that linguists, philosophers, and your boss refuse to do

Layer 8 Insights – Regular deep dives that explore the human error in tech.